SEPTEMBER 14 “LIVING WITH DECISIONS WE REGRET”

     Lisa and I grew up in the church together, as we approached our 19th birthday I became tired of waiting for the “miracle” to come in. ~we were a church of 60 and what was the chance of me finding a husband in a church of 60, with 30 of them being kids. I decided to start dating guys on the outside. I met john a few months later, he too had grown up in church but had stopped going as he moved out and starting going to college. We fell in love, got married and a few kids and john starting coming out to church with me too. I would look at Lisa, now 24 and still not married and feel bad for her. I thought, “still believe for that miracle, that poor girl”.
     Then it all started to unravel, john started missing church more and more. Than I found pornographic magazines in his gym bag and found 3 bottles of Jack Daniels in the garage. Once I confronted him he admitted he was still drinking. Once he knew that I knew, he started drinking openly and getting drunk at home. I started going to church alone. One day, a young, good looking man that was about 28 years old walked in. His name was Mark, he had just moved to our city. Mark had just graduated from college and was moving to our city to take the job as the head pharmacist at our local Walgreen’s. Mark was a devout Christian, as we came to find out, and was looking for a local church to be part of. Well long story short he ended up becoming a great part of our church and he and Lisa started talking and then dating. A year later he proposed to her and they were married. Mark and Lisa have two kids and Mark heads up our children’s program at the church. He is very creative and real good with children.
     My two boys are now 10 & 12 and sometimes their father convinces them to stay home with him and watch football on Sundays. I sit in church alone often these days, while John is at home with the boys drinking and I look over at Lisa and Mark and their children and it’s everything I can do not to hate her. I hate her because I envy her. Sometimes I look at my husband and I hate him, especially when he is drunk, but really, I hate myself, because I know, I am the one who brought this upon myself.
     I was recently reading the story in my bible about how much Sarah despised Hagar and her son, and I thought how ironic that she would hate them, they are her doing, but I know exactly how Sarah felt and why she hated them so, because like Sarah, I too, have to every day, look at the Hagar and Ismael I brought into my life and unlike Sarah, I cannot just send them away. I must live with my mistake for the rest of my life.